With this post, I hope to let you know a little more about how this blog came about and how God has been working in my life recently, mainly concerning writing.
Also, this post is really long, so if you don't have time to read all of it, skip down to start reading at the part that with the stars (*****). It's the most important part.
Many years ago, a toddler picked up an American Girls novella at the library, thinking it was a baby board book, and her mom took it home without noticing. That night, the mom found the book and gave it to the toddler's older sister, since she was six years old and had already learned to read. That little girl was instantly hooked on the book and finished it in bed that night. From that time onward, reading became her favorite pastime.
As you might have guessed, that little girl is me. I grew up watching my dad read for hours in his favorite blue chair after work every day. My mom homeschooled my brother, sister, and I for the first few years, and so she taught us how to read and also read books to us. A book that we read in third grade, called
Secret Under the Maple Tree, was what helped me understand that I needed to make a choice to believe in Jesus myself. And when I was fourteen, summer camp and a different Christian fiction book helped me decide to "give Jesus my life"--as in, not just say "I believe" and live however I wanted, but to choose to follow and obey Him for my life and future. Numerous other books have also had impacts on my life. (I do not count the Bible as a mere book; it is in a category all its own, so I am not referring to it here.)
Alongside my love for reading grew my love for writing. I was always playing imaginary games, which turned into complex novel ideas as I aged. One of my best friends initially planted the idea in my head of writing a book. We sixth graders were going to write a book! It didn't happen, but it was a lot of fun imagining together. From there, I began planning and writing my own stories.
In my teen years, my love for Jesus grew even as my love for reading and writing grew. Some days, I feared that my love for books was greater than my love for Jesus, which was a source of guilt. I almost stopped reading because of it, but my parents and mentors talked me out of it. Then when I was sixteen and believed God was calling me to missions, my first thought was, "But I don't want to leave my books behind! Or my family!" I wrestled with it, felt guilty, prayed, asked for advice. I ended up saying what I did before--I would go where God called me, even if I had to leave my books and my family behind. But if there was any way I could take my books with me, I would.
I remember one day when I was 16 or 17. I was driving home alone from my grandma's house, only a few minutes away from ours, and I was praying. I was passionate, asking and pleading with God to show me what He wanted me to do. Did He want me to write a book? I longed to! I was overflowing with passion for it, but I wanted His will first. My internal prayers exploded into audible words because I could not keep silent. And in that moment, I felt/heard Him tell me clearly, "Now is not the time." The impression I was left with was that now--in high school, in college, wasn't when He wanted me to write. Oh, but the end of college was so far away! I was not very happy about it. I told my parents and mentor, and they thought it could not possibly have been God because He gave me the talent, so obviously He wanted me to use it. I tried to believe them; I pursued writing still. But I couldn't escape the idea that it was Him, and I couldn't forget about it. However, I didn't think that He was prohibiting me from learning and practicing.
Senior year in high school, I had to do a senior project. I thought, "Missions, obviously." And my teachers said, "You're a chaplain at school, you went on a missions trip to Kenya, you raised support and served at a Christian Bible camp all summer, and you lead music in your youth group. Why don't you choose something you
don't know as much about?" So I chose fiction writing. That project opened some awesome doors for me. I was able to attend a writer's conference and to job-shadow my favorite author, Bryan Davis, to all of his speaking events in the area. Researching for the paper, helped me learn more of what goes into writing a book, and it also inspired me to begin my own blog and enter into the "bookish" world that exists online.
For college, I was looking for somewhere that I could study Christianity, but also English. I remember praying internally in my school counselor's office that if God wanted me to go to a college I
didn't know of yet, He would show me what it was. Two minutes later, a representative from Grand Canyon University walked in and described a college that was exactly what I was looking for. I prayed more, asked advice, and went.
In my second semester two things happened: First, I was struggling with the idea that a missionary (like future me) wouldn't have place for writing fiction in their very God-focused life. That is when I stumbled upon Annie Douglass Lima, an American woman who lives in Taiwan, writes fiction, and also teaches at an English-speaking school for missionary kids and anyone else who chooses to attend. In short, she is a missionary who writes fiction--just what I was worried about. I messaged her online, and though we have never met, we have an ongoing virtual friendship. Her books are great!
Second, I switched my major in college. I was doing the degree called Christian Studies with an emphasis in Youth Ministry (did I mention I love kids too?). But I was noticing that I spent way more time working on my new blog, writing, and reading than being involved in ministry at my new church. I wanted to minor in English, but there was no minor. There was, however, a major in English Literature and a minor in Christian Studies. I certainly prayed about the decision, but I was listening more to my desires, my parents who said English was a more practical choice, and my career-focused college telling me to pursue my dream. While I can't definitively say I made the wrong decision, I also cannot say that I was listening to God very well when I made the decision. So I switched my major to a minor and chose English Lit as my new major.
It was around that time that I began falling away from God. Himself and His will weren't my main focus anymore, to the point where I completely forgot that I believed He called me to missions. Reading and blogging took over more and more of my life as time passed. It wasn't all bad, and I never completely turned away from God. It is just that my life was more focused on what I wanted rather than seeking Him and what He wanted. I had some really great experiences during that time and built up my resume with any opportunity I could find, since I knew it would be incredibly hard to find a
paying job in my field after college. I had an internship with a small publishing company in the area and two internships writing for online Christian magazines, among other things. Also, along with my distraction from God, my morals as to what books were appropriate to read began to loosen. I got caught up in reading some very sin-filled books that I wish I could delete from my mind now. The college actually required me to read some of them because they were "classics." Apparently "classic" doesn't mean "clean."
*****
In any case, as I told you in the post from the other day, after college, God totally rocked my world and put me in a Bible College last minute. In the year since I came here, my focus on God has been totally re-oriented and I have learned things about Him and walking with Him that have changed my life and character. It has been amazing. The area of books and writing were no exception. I took my focus off my career and off books and put it back on God. As much as my flawed human self can, anyway. For some periods of time, I stopped blogging and reading fiction because there has been little time to and God and people are more important. Additionally, fiction isn't always beneficial; sometimes it makes me desire things I can't have now, which can be unhealthy. I started wondering whether I should be reading fiction at all or thinking about writing the books I never got around to. I felt guilty or uncertain more than passionate in regards to writing and books. Being a missionary again came into my mind, though I was uncertain of God's call. My entire future was uncertain.
Then it happened. During Christmas break, I was invited to watch the movie
The Insanity of God by a couple of friends. If you haven't heard of it, it is based off a book by the same name, authored by Nik Ripken. The movie tells the story of Nik and his wife in overseas missions and how they were asked to tour parts of the world with heavy Christian persecution and ask the believers for tips on how they endured the suffering. Their journey turned into a series of amazing stories about God's faithfulness during the worst of circumstances and that, despite everything, Jesus is totally worth it.
I walked back to my room overflowing with emotions I don't know how to describe. I spent the next hour on the floor, praying passionately in tears and in love with my God. I wanted to know Him the way those Christians do! I wanted to not let the opportunities afforded by living in this free nation pass, making the sacrifice of those other believers seem worthless. I wanted to declare to all the world that Jesus Christ is the only true God, the Savior, the Redeemer, the One Worthy of every sacrifice! So what did He want me to do? How was I to share this message? What should I do with my life? What should I do now? Lord, give me courage!
In the middle of that is when God spoke to me a second time. Like the first time when He told me, "Now is not the time," I heard clearly in my mind and could not deny it was Him. He said, "WRITE." Write about Him. Use my words to declare HIM to the world. NOW was finally the time. And instead of being overjoyed, I felt terrified. (Ironic, right?) To spend hundreds of hours, years of work on something only to have it turned down by publishing companies, go unnoticed if self-published, and rejected by the few who might read it--those were my fears, and they crippled me in that moment. I told God as much. He, of course, reminded me that He is God and can make me the most famous author in the world if He so chose. And even if He doesn't, I would be following His will, which is more valuable to Him than fame, and if a few read my words and are encouraged, that too is worth it. When I put up further objections, He reminded me that He would help me through all of it. He even told me something I can barely dare to believe: that He
made me to write. That is His plan for my life, the good works He created for me to do. I accepted. How everything will happen and how big a role it will play in my life and in others' lives is yet to be seen, but writing about God will happen. (And I'm scared to declare all of that because, what if I fail? What if it's me who said this, not Him? But I'm declaring it anyway, trusting God to keep me on track.)
That was months ago. Then what did I do? I considered the internship I applied to last year which was with the missions organization my Bible college is part of. They turned me down last year but told me I should try again. Perhaps that would involve writing? I contacted some of the people there, and it seems really promising. I need prayers in that regard, though.
In my personal life, though, I didn't immediately start writing. Or at least, I did, but I didn't keep it up. What was I supposed to write, anyway? I thought, "I'm really busy with school. How can I add another thing to my plate?" and "Perhaps that call to write is only for the future, since I am so busy right now." But the idea of starting this blog stuck in my mind and kept coming back. I had many great reasons to want to start, but I was scared I would not be able to be consistent with posting and wouldn't get enough sleep. And yet, words kept pummeling through my mind, waiting to be written. Inspiration to talk about my Jesus has been coming from everywhere, and I have so many ideas!
This last week, some of that came to a climax. I have been incredibly busy with school and my many other responsibilities. I haven't been getting enough sleep, and it worries me. But then when I tried to sleep most nights, I couldn't fall asleep because my mind was so busy. On Wednesday, I came back from Perspectives, a missions-focused night class I attend once a week. I was stressed and frustrated but also joyful and passionate about Jesus, however that makes sense. And I realized that since it wasn't likely I could sleep anyway, I might as well stop worrying and do something--start this new blog, writing about what Jesus has been doing in my life.
I wrote for three hours. I worried I said the wrong things or that Jesus wouldn't help me stay awake the next morning because I might not have been doing what He wanted when I stayed awake too late. I decided to attribute that worry to Satan who is trying to stop me from proclaiming Jesus. The next morning, I heard back, for the first time in a month, from some of the people about the internship. I also had all the energy I needed to get through the day and was able to sleep well that night. I told my friend about all of this, and she said, "So you're telling me that, now that you started listening to what God wants You to do, He answered your prayers? ... You can sit on a bicycle and ask for direction, but if you're not moving, He can't tell you where to go."
So now, I write.
Please, I need your prayers. I need to write what God wants. I need to find courage and time. I need to keep Him at the center of everything. I need keep going and not let discouragement and fear get in my way.
Thank You, Lord Jesus, for all You have done and are doing.
(The photo was taken by a friend as part of my college senior pictures.)
